Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Alive.
So much puke
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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