I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
