I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
