I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
