I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
