Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
