Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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