Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
