What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There's always time for handjobs
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
