we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You can't motorboat a personality
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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