this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
