Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Damn victory sex feels great
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
