barbara walters just said penis...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
