yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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