I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
