I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
