How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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