Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
