i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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