I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
