Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
