I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
