does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
