it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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