I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
