I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
