She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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