I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
