My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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