It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
