Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
