My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
