I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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