No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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