you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
