i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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