allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
