Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
