is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
