Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
