I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
