my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
