well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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