What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
