Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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