remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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