I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
