i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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