First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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