I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
