Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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