guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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