my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
