today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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