I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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