Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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