I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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