i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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