I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
