this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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