Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
