Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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