we have officially lost it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
